Only In The Dark
by Survivor88
Summary: It is in the darkness that our secrets come to light... Casey fic ... read and review... you'll like it I bet ...
1. An Emotion Away

Nights are the cliched shadows cast from the moon dancing across the walls, or rain pelting the windows, or snow falling, or stars in an expanse of black sky.

I lay in my bed in my apartment with no sound at all, no vision of what surrounded me.

My thoughts circle around the beautiful, young blonde girl in the courtroom earlier today and the expressions flashing across her soft features.

And my heart breaks a little more with each flash.

Tears have yet to slip down my cheeks and melt in to the pillow under my heavy head, but I can feel them waiting on the cue from my body.

So many nights I used to lie like this, in completely silent darkness listening to my own breathing, feeling my chest rise and fall ... listening to the silence I loved so dearly ... feeling the calm darkness all around that often brought me comfort.

Jamie Hoskins face flashed across my sight again.

Finally, I blinked.

A tear slipped.

And then another tear followed.

Suddenly, all I saw was the young girl's face, the confusion and the fear and the uncertainty ... and the look on her face when it was apparent I would do _something_ to help her...

Iunderstand what she must be feeling, on some level at least.

I understand the daily struggle of living with a mental illness ... no one could ever tell who I was or what I now hide deep below the facade I constructed.

Tears now freefall down my cheeks - my breath grows ragged and the darkness becomes all consuming, the silence steadied by my very discreet sobs... the sobs I've learned to keep to a rapid quake of my body.

Liv once shared a secret of hers with me during the process of prosecuting a young perp...

It had everything to do with why that case had affected her the way it had.

And why this case affected me the way it has...

**This is a variation on the season finale ... it comes from personal experience ... tell me whatever your thoughts are...**


	2. So Hard

_Sorry it's been so long since I've done anything with my currently in-progress fics but life's been busy and I've had writers block ... I've revised chapter two completely ... and I also deleted Eagle Tears ... OK I hope you like the revisions I've made ... Enjoy!_

_Oh and as kewl as it woulda been as a grad gift LAOSVU is not, sadly, mine..._

It becomes something of an art to be able to control every nerve and muscle in ones body.

I managed to slow the sobs until only an occasional hiccup remained, interrupted by a yawn or two before my body began the slow process of shutting down from pure exhaustion.

But I sit here now, at my desk in my office, and ruminate over the fact that I didn't sleep for even thirty minutes.

My body goes through a war while I sleep, taunting me with memories.

So I woke up crying and shaken up and no matter how hard I tried I was unable to calm myself down -- instead I laid awake until my alarm went off. In turn I went through the tedious cycle of transforming my exterior from exhausted and shaken to calm and collected.

And here I am.

I've done no work, not even on what remains of Jamie Hoskins case because it is exactly what has caused my idleness.

Last night I told myself on some level I understand her, but in truth I am exactly at her level and completely sympathize with what she is going through.

I can feel my exhaustion breaking through my costume of "togetherness," deciding I just cannot stay here in this office, surrounded by people who've no idea, I gather my coat and my bag and make my way to the elevator.

"Hey Casey."

Damn it.

"Hi Liv."

"I was just coming to talk to you, but I can plainly see you're headed out. Where to? Might I ask?"

Simply I shake my head, this is not the norm for me -- not for my personality, "Oh, I'm meeting with someone about their case, the ADA who normally handles it is with her son who's in bad shape—" I stop talking abruptly.

Mentally I kick myself for rambling knowing full well it's an unbelievable lie.

Liv eyes me, she's a detective for Christ's sake, of course she knows I'm lying through my teeth.

The elevator opens down the hall, "Sorry, I'm running late -- I'll talk to you later."

From behind as I dash for my escape I can feel my good friend's gaze watching me, her concern and bewilderment beaming out like spotlights.

I give a quick fake smile before the doors close.

* * *

In my cotton GapBody robe I am curled up on my four-poster Queen sized mahogany bed (a gift from my uber-rich aunt and uncle for passing my bar exam), in-between my worn in cotton covered pillows.

The TV isn't on and I disconnected the phone from the wall; my cell has a dead battery.

I need this alone time to think about what I'm going through, why Jamie's case has elicited such a strong reaction in me.

But I do know full well I don't need to think ... I need to feel ... and I hate to feel when I get this way ... I hate the memories and everything that comes with them.

A phone number resides in my datebook, one that if I call I will be reminded of why I must allow myself this.

With the blinds closed, wrapped under my black and white down comforter, I close my eyes and open them to the darkness...

_The third chapter will involve Casey's memories -- and you'll begin to understand... Let me know any and all thoughts, opinions, etc., etc._


End file.
